Yachting – it’s all glitz and glamour for our lovely guests, for the crew though, it’s anything but. While this job has lots of great bits, it also has some pretty bad ones. These are some of my favourites:
1. Making a bed that is still warm from a guest who just got up. Man, that gives me the creeps (involuntary shudder).
2. Offering a round of drinks only to have the guests all choose five different frozen cocktails. Oh, a Miami Vice too, no problem…
3. In the same vein, offering a round of drinks and only having one taker then delivering said drink and having another guest say “Ooh that looks good, I’ll get one of those too.” Repeat process until the whole group ends up with the same drink after 6 rounds of shaking Espresso Martinis then climbing the stairs to the sundeck and back. Good bit of cardio though, I guess. Thanks.
4. Thinking you have done your last sheet change of a 15-day charter only to pull up the flat sheet in the master unveiling some sort of unsanitary yellow, snot, drool, unknown substance crusted right on the turn back. Oh, it’s not just on the flat sheet. Perfect.
5. A “pescatarian” guest who doesn’t understand why the chef prepared fish for her instead of the rack of lamb??? She loves lamb. Obviously…
6. Drying an entire shower only to bump the tap with your last wipe, dousing yourself and the newly dry shower, so you need to start again. Not to mention the awkward interaction with a guest who happens to be coming to grab their sunglasses as you leave their bathroom soaking wet, trying to hide your now very see through polo.
7. Guests who don’t eat Veal because of the “principle” of how it’s made, but will order three extra servings of the seared Foie Gras instead. You’re kidding, right?
8. Bidets. Just why.
9. Setting the dinner table for 12 guests on the main deck aft, just like the Boss requested, only to carefully set your last crystal wine glass in place two seconds before the Mrs walks by and says “Lovely, but let’s move it to the sundeck”. Time to smile and force a casual, “No problem Ma’am”.
10. After resetting the table (13 trips up and down) you are prepared for dinner service, waters and wine at the ready, the chef poised to plate the starter, bread a few minutes away from perfection. You go to call the guests to the table having confirmed and reconfirmed their dinner time and it happens. The classic “Actually can we have dinner in an hour? I think we’ll head to shore for a bit”. There go the freshly turned down cabins too, because they couldn’t possibly go to shore then come back for dinner without three outfit changes, another shower and a quick nap.
11. Opening a washing machine to unveil a smorgasbord of coloured and previously white guest laundry. Oh great, now I have to break the news to the chief stew. Thanks for that Becky you’re a total babe.
12. When a guest goes down to their cabin for two minutes and manages to pee on the toilet seat, splash the entire mirror, throw three towels on the floor, use the trash can and sit on the bed. How’d you do that?
13. Unflushed toilets, I know you see the button right there. Seriously, you don’t even have to stretch.
14. Oh and of course, getting a line from some or other catchy song stuck in your head for ages while doing mundane tasks, yes ladies you’ve all done the “turn down for what” routine. To highlight my point I’m just going to leave this here “Havana ooh nah nah….” (Insert evil laugh)